My life

Hello. My name is Alisa.

I wanted to start my own blog, to record my own thoughts and feelings separate from our private family blog. I have always been a good journaler (is that a word?) until the past 5 years or so. Probably about the time I had my first kid. Life got a little busier and I sort of fell off the wagon, scrambling to catch up now and then.

I have 17 journals filled with my life so far. My kids think it's fun to carry them around. I don't mind it {mostly} because I can pick one up and read about a bit of my life while they're out. I love being able to look back at days I've forgotten and say to myself, "Sure glad I wrote about that!" Since I can type way faster than I can write, I will try to post every day.I want to remember these early days of motherhood. I don't know if anyone will read it, but hey, it's mostly for me anyway. If you do read it, leave a comment!

I am 28 years old, married to a really awesome husband, and have three cute kiddos. My husband just graduated from law school a week or two ago {I can't remember the date today} and I am a SAHM {stay-at-home-mom}. I graduated with a BA in Music in 2004 from BYU {emphasis in flute} and I teach a handful of people flute lessons in the afternoons.

K that's enough about me. On to my thoughts.

I've been pondering lately about SAHMhood. I think I've been getting dragged down by the mundane and was starting to feel trapped and tied down. Part of it is probably cuz I just had a baby 2 1/2 months ago, and she is breastfeeding exclusively so I can only leave for up to a couple of hours at a time and it has to be well-timed and well-planned. She just started taking a bottle though so I feel a smidgen more freedom. Even though I have to add pumping to my regimen of mom chores.

But I digress. I felt tied down. But then I read a book called "In Praise of SAHMs" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It was amazing. She praises SAHMs and provides evidence (mostly anecdotal, but also some factual) about how typically children are better off being raised by their parents, and not paid caregivers. Not that I've ever had the desire to put my kids in day care or hire a nanny. But still. Endless dishes, cooking, cleaning, diapers, laundry, not to mention all the stuff that goes on with caring for children was wearing me down. And I've only been a mom for 4 1/2 years!

This book uplifted me. So did praying and reading the scriptures. I remembered that before I got married all I wanted was to be married and become a mommy. I wanted it SO bad. I prayed for it every day. I tried to make myself the best person I could be so an amazing man would fall in love with me. And it worked. He did, and here we are. I have to say that I am now recovering from my wallowing and embracing this motherhood stuff more fully.

Shrug and Smile. That is what one mom said in that book. Let it go. Choose your battles.

I am not a live-in housekeeper. I am a Mom, first and foremost. I struggle with the constant guilt: when I play with the kids, I feel guilty for not cleaning the messy house. When I clean, I feel guilty for not playing with the kids. So the house is a little cluttered. So the bathrooms need scrubbing. The closets need organizing. Email inbox needs clearing out. Pictures on the walls need to be updated. Menus need to be created. The list goes on. But my kids are playing with play-doh, coloring, learning to read, imagining, and helping me cook. They are pretty happy kids, and that's what I'm trying to dwell on instead of thinking about my long tidy up list.

The other night the hubs was off camping (hey, he needed a break before official bar studying began) I was putting all the kids to bed myself. The two big girls (ages 2 and 4) were running around wildly like kids do at bedtime. I remember being wild at bedtime when I was a kid too. The baby woke up. I don't think she was feeling well. I got her out and carried her around while getting teeth brushed, jams on, bladders emptied. As I felt completely outnumbered and felt frustration and impatience looming on the horizon, I stepped back and looked at the big picture.

I am a MOM! Look at me, I'm living my dream! Look-three little people, depending on me and loving me unconditionally and I get to guide and direct and teach and love them ALL DAY!

Much better. Patience and love moved in, and I read the girls stories while holding the baby in my lap. I gazed at each of them and smoothed their hair, kissed their cheeks, and let my eyes memorize the picture in front of me. I love these little girls so much it takes my breath away. I don't want them to grow up and not see me as their hero, their #1, their favorite person in the world anymore. I want them to always come up to me randomly and say, "mommy, I want you to hold me. " and "You're the best mommy ever, Mommy!"

Sigh. It's moments like those that make me really love my job. And I need to record more of those moments. Keep 'em coming!